For along time now, I have pictured a fifth child in our family. A cute little Congolese baby girl. To adopt again was in my heart and I thought it was what God was calling me to do. Jamey and I had both decided that we had two biological children and although we love them to death, we do not feel the need to bring anymore children into this world. We both strongly agree that we should be taking care of those already in this world.
So, you can imagine our surprise when I found out I was pregnant! Surprise really doesn't explain it. Jamey was so happy he was glowing continuously! But I was....in shock.
I just keep asking God "Why?" I don't understand, I am happy and eager to adopt. There are those trying desperately and paying lots of money to get pregnant and I am the one who gets pregnant!?!
It's not that I don't love the miracle of pregnancy. It was one of my favorite times of my lives. Jamey still doesn't understand this. All he remembers is me worshiping the toilet and all the pain of labor. But I remember the miracle of the little one moving inside of me. The amazing experience of nursing.
I cried when I signed every adoption document. I felt I was signing away my chance to ever experience these miracles again.
When I was pregnant with Livia and Parker I thought that they were the most wonderful babies in the world. That they were so much more special than any other baby. They were all I could think about.
Today, I feel guilty. As I do not feel this way anymore. I have grown and I realize all of God's children are so very wonderful and the child growing inside of me is not any more special than a child across the world that I do not know. I do not find myself joyfully thinking of the little one growing inside of me. Instead, I find myself thinking of all the children in the Lisanga orphanage. I wake up in the middle of the night with their faces in my heart.
I have now realized that adoption is such a miracle. It is just as miraculous as pregnancy. Something I selfishly yearned for a few years ago, has now been given to me. I know I should be thanking God for this wonderful gift! But all I can see are the tears running down those beautiful babies' dark faces.