For along time now, I have pictured a fifth child in our family. A cute little Congolese baby girl. To adopt again was in my heart and I thought it was what God was calling me to do. Jamey and I had both decided that we had two biological children and although we love them to death, we do not feel the need to bring anymore children into this world. We both strongly agree that we should be taking care of those already in this world.
So, you can imagine our surprise when I found out I was pregnant! Surprise really doesn't explain it. Jamey was so happy he was glowing continuously! But I was....in shock.
I just keep asking God "Why?" I don't understand, I am happy and eager to adopt. There are those trying desperately and paying lots of money to get pregnant and I am the one who gets pregnant!?!
It's not that I don't love the miracle of pregnancy. It was one of my favorite times of my lives. Jamey still doesn't understand this. All he remembers is me worshiping the toilet and all the pain of labor. But I remember the miracle of the little one moving inside of me. The amazing experience of nursing.
I cried when I signed every adoption document. I felt I was signing away my chance to ever experience these miracles again.
When I was pregnant with Livia and Parker I thought that they were the most wonderful babies in the world. That they were so much more special than any other baby. They were all I could think about.
Today, I feel guilty. As I do not feel this way anymore. I have grown and I realize all of God's children are so very wonderful and the child growing inside of me is not any more special than a child across the world that I do not know. I do not find myself joyfully thinking of the little one growing inside of me. Instead, I find myself thinking of all the children in the Lisanga orphanage. I wake up in the middle of the night with their faces in my heart.
I have now realized that adoption is such a miracle. It is just as miraculous as pregnancy. Something I selfishly yearned for a few years ago, has now been given to me. I know I should be thanking God for this wonderful gift! But all I can see are the tears running down those beautiful babies' dark faces.
You're right...those babies are just as special as the home-grown baby in your tummy AND that baby is just as special as those babies too. God has greater plans for us than we can even dream of for ourselves. He wanted all those babies with you, every one of them. He has an amazing plan for your life and this sweet baby is part of it! Who knows what He has planned next...!!!!
ReplyDeleteStori, you are a miracle for loving ALL of your children the way you do. I have never seen anyone with the patience that you have with your kids and all kids. It sounds crazy but who says you will never adopt again? You being pregnant now proves that anything is possible if it is Gods plan.
ReplyDeleteStori, you are an amazing woman. :) I was smiling through tears while reading your post. You have such a big heart. God has truly blessed you! Congrats on your pregnancy :)
ReplyDeleteOh Stori! I know what you mean! My heart is right there with you! I agree with Nina...Who says you can't adopt again! Maybe the little one God has in mind for you to adopt hasn't even been born yet! I know God has a plan for your family and I know he will show that plan to you! Keep praying and loving on all 5 of your little ones! God will show you what he wants you to do! I will pray for you, and the new little one, and for the others still waiting! I love you! Deb
ReplyDeleteOh, Sweetie, I wish you could see yourself the way the world sees you; as a wonderful vessel of love for any and all children. This child is special because it is a child of God and a child of Stori and Jamey. This baby isn't taking the place of an adopted baby, it is taking a place of its ow in your heart. I love you, Hedy
ReplyDeleteI love you, Stori. We'll go back to Congo together and get baby Sullivan number 6, okay?!
ReplyDeleteStori- obviously this was God's plan for you!! you are such a wonderful mother and friend! Any child that is touched by you is so blessed! You have made such a difference in so many lives! Try to enjoy this like you did with Livia and Parker!! A beautiful new life is always a miracle!!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I really need some encouragement now. You all are great and I love you all.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations Stori! What an amazing blessing! No matter how they come they are precious gifts. I know you were hoping to adopt again one day- so don't ever let a number stop you. God knows... and the moment you lay your eyes on this precious new one you are going to know too. :) Enjoy every second of your pregnancy. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteHi there :-) I am new to your site and God has recently put on our heart to adopt. We are hoping to adopt from the Congo but have had many closed doors so far.
ReplyDeleteI totally TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. I tried for four straight years to get pregnant and couldn't. We threw all our money and time into making it happen and it still didn't happen.
ReplyDeleteNow we have our daughter all I can think about is another adoption. When I think of our complete family I see other brown skinned children, not white ones. The other day I thought I could possibly be pregnant and I took a pregnancy test knowing it would be a kick in the gut if I was to be pregnant after coming to terms with not being able to be and putting my full heart into adoption for our complete family.
I wasn't pregnant, like I thought but it still scared me. I totally get it. Hopefully you can always adopt again if this is what you wanted. Your family will just be a bit bigger than you thought. :)
Stori, I remember thinking I'd stop after 2, then 4, then 5, then 6, then 9, then 10, and here we are with 12 and a little boy named Davids from Latvia being #13 would just tickle me to death. I have been thinking constantly of a 17yo mentally handicapped boy in Florida who needs an adoptive home because he doesn't want to be an adult with no family for Christmas or his birthdays.. so maybe we need 14. :o) We've raised this family in our tiny little house on a shoestring and a prayer for years. At one time we had 4 who shared one bedroom. If you need to adopt more children to ease your heart and give another beautiful baby or more babies the deserved chance to have a healthy and safe life, it will happen. You are young yet and your older children will grow and leave and your younger children will be older and you will have more room and more room again... What is supposed to happen will happen. The baby you are carrying may well grow up to adopt more and influence more to adopt the children of the world who are without. This baby may lead to tenfold the number of babies being saved than if you not gotten pregnant. There is a plan, just accept, enjoy, and watch it happen! Ronda
ReplyDeleteHi Stori!
ReplyDeleteI am a friend of Cami (IRL) and Megan (online, and hopefully IRL someday! :), and just found your blog. Anyway, I can really understand your feelings just now. We also have 2 by birth, 2 by adoption, and we are so excited to adopt again, hopefully this summer. My first thought when I read this post was that, like I am planning to do, maybe you will still adopt again and then you can nurse your adopted sweetie #6. Adoptive nursing is an amazing experience! :) (This will be my 3rd time, Lord-willing.)